On birthdays :)

On your birthday, your friends and family will wish you a Happy Birthday. Sometimes, you feel sad when they forget. Although I would like very much to say that only when I receive wishes from people who truly mean it, or from people whom I care about, will they mean something to me, I am not at that level yet. There is still the twinge of sadness when people forget.. :( And it's somehow affected me more so in the recent years.. But today I realized something more meaningful than having everyone remembering and celebrating my birthday... is that today is the day that my mum laboured to deliver me. It suddenly struck a chord in me when I received an SMS from mum apologizing for not having the time to get me any present that day.. Why should she be giving me a present when I should be thanking her for giving me life, for letting me have the opportunity to meet all the Angels in life? Can't believe it took me 28years to realise this. And so, Mr Wolfball and I got her a present instead! ;) We think she was really pleasantly surprised to be on the receiving end today, and that was my birthday present (she also did all my laundry for me while i was out tho, haha), probably the most meaningful one I've had so far :)

Angels :)

Sorry guys for the lack of posts lately.. Been down with a flu and sore throat for a month, then struck by gastritis... :s Ha and i always end up starting my posts and leaving these drafts for several weeks and sometimes months!! :p Ok so now here goes a post I sat on for a long time.. :p

And then there were Angels. :) No, I'm not talking about my close encounter with death.. It's about the Angels in our daily lives who are always there to cheer us on, lift us up when we fall. These Angels who make us feel that life is worth living for. I have now the best Angel in the world to accompany me through most things I do, of course :p But this post was more inspired by my realization that there were so many other Angels who have come to offer support in times of need. Like the Angel who is always willing to lend a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and ever so generous in rendering help. Then there is another Angel who is trying to help me and hubby secure our future! Ha well not exactly, but more like helping us settle in for just the next few years, and this is really not something he needs to be cracking his head over but he is.. :) Oh how I wish i could do something for these lovely Angels. :)

Just a tenant.

So next Friday is the 31st of Dec, the last day of 2010, and we will have a guest coming over to stay at our place. Not one, but two to be precise. It's my mum's friend's daughter, X, who will be putting up at our place to end off her "farewell trip" with her "good friend". Now this "good friend" is a mysterious American guy whom X likes but has the disapproval of X's parents - someone whom we have never met. It's nice to know that mum is now more open to having strangers put up at our place right? Naturally, since one would think that might pave the way for when my friends who visit Singapore in the future? But, mum says that she will not allow for that because she doesn't trust strangers - yet she said she trusts X to make the right friends because she trusts her friend to have brought up her daughter well! She says she is only allowing this guy to stay here because she doesn't know how to say "no" to her friend's daughter. But she can say no to her own daughter, because "this is HER house and she has the power the make the decisions". I obviously, am just a tenant. 'Nuff said.

Search for the perfect one

Since we decided on a DIY wedding, I did a little research for the "perfect wedding dress". Dreams of looking regal and elegant in a tailor-made wedding gown...turned into this!!!Initially found it a steal at a tailor-rental shop, for just $150 for 72hours rental! But the more i looked at it the more i felt it too far off from my ideal dress - it was more cute than regal or elegant! The practical cheapo in me however, was resigned to this...

Until I met up with my makeup artist! :p She recommended we visit this other bridal studio whose prices were "reasonable". That was it. A "let's just take a look and see what they have to offer..." turned out to be full of pleasant surprises! :)

It was down to 2 unanimous favourites that we had to choose from. Tough choice! First up was this VERA WANG gown!!Can't believe I actually got to try on a Vera Wang gown in this lifetime!! >.< The skirt's simply dreamy huh? Simply love the back of this dress - doesn't the cut resemble one of my dream designs (left most)? ;)

But, in the end we decided on this more sensual, womanly look that I think my future hubby prefers :pHa, and doesn't it bear a striking resemblance to another of my dream designs (middle one) too? ;p

And there's more! Haha if you're not already bored of seeing pictures of me.. :p Again, I got suckered into wedding splurges with promises of cheaper packages, so we decided to just try on an evening gown. Just one. And we were hooked. I was skeptical initially because turquoise is not my usual colour, but we all loved it! It fitted me so snugly and even has a toga strap that makes it even more special :)

Finally... TA-DA!!Originally intended to get a cheongsam for the tea ceremony but came across this lovely set at the studio. Don't we look adorable? ;p

A great big thanks to Pammie who so patiently sat through it all =)

Case of the Ninja Auntie Brigade in Singapore

So we were happily queuing for tau huay at a slow-moving queue one day when suddenly, out of nowhere, an auntie had sneaked up from behind us and cut our queue! The service staff did not notice that we'd come first, and we let it pass since she was an old lady. Yet just minutes after that, another (slightly younger) auntie tried to sneak up on us and cut our queue again! Luckily this time the service staff AND another lady queuing behind us noticed this and told her to queue up :pAnd it happened again!! This time while queuing for ridiculously expensive yong tau foo at Food Republic, a woman in her 50s sneaked up from behind and shoved her bowl into the cashier's hands just as i was going to hand mine over...The cashier saw that i was upset, so she reminded the ninja auntie to queue up next time but still served her first :s Yet the shameless ninja auntie pretended as if she did not hear, or did nothing wrong!! :s :s :s If she'd at least apologized...

Happy Halloween :D

It's Halloween again, and time for a break! ;p Not that we care much about the tradition behind this festival. It's just a chance for us to let our hair down and have fun! ;) This year, i only found out about the party 3 days before the event because i am not on FB anymore, and have been spending most of my time these days doing labwork or checking FA results in the sequencing room :( But it turned out well in the end as i had a sudden spark of inspiration while taking the bus home:
Fortunately, i managed to find 2 other very sporting girls to join me (was already considering a Lara Croft outfit if i didn't manage to find members)! Here's our look:It might not be half as theatrical as the real thing but i think we pulled it off pretty well on a low budget ($2 x 3 tablecloths from Daiso and one pack of multi-coloured feathers from Spotlight. Most expensive thing was the lipstick!) ;) Good job girls! :D It was really fun coming up with ideas on how to make the costumes :))

Some other costumes of the night included Ben's "Coffeeshop Uncle" look which he pulled off pretty well:
The cutest outfit of the night had to be this cup of KOI bubble tea:Check out the super adorable koi hat on his head!! *eeps* Never seen such a cute hat!

And then there's the boy's new look :D Doesn't he look handsome??

Hehe actually the fringe was borrowed from Barbarella, who was looking for her ang moh boyfriend :p

Halfway during the night, a fight broke out between the knight and the cat, while the terrified pumpkin kid tried to flee from the chaos!

Mental torture :(

Sigh. For those of you who don't know, i had another argument with mum again a few weeks back, and she is still really mad at me, totally ignoring me over what started as a small matter. Not again. Sigh. I think out of 365 days in a year, she is probably
- angry + cold war for 300 days
- angry for 45 days
with me!
Now we are at the first option. :( Seriously, i hate confrontations. And i hate cold wars too. I much prefer peace. Luckily i have a terrible memory (prolly getting Alzheimer's soon). Unfortunately for me though, mum has dedicated 95% of her memory to bearing grudges and can dig up horrible things i did more than 10 years ago (which i am ashamed to admit having done, but i have!). :(( And i'll say it here. Yes i used to argue alot with my sister and say mean things, but don't we all fight with our siblings? One incident i vaguely remember was arguing with my sis over the use of the toilet, and things got so heated up and i remember giving her a tight slap on her face because i felt she was rude. These are things i'd forgotten, but jolted into memory thanks to none other than my mother. And i really regret having done that..I am not sure if my sister still remembers and bear grudges against me for these things.. But, i am certain i am not the same person i was more than 10 years ago. Having gone through an extra decade of life, experienced the ways of the world (albeit my small comfy little shelter in Singapore) and being humbled by many people around me, why does she still harp on all these things that are already over? When will it be time to move on? :(

Each time she will write a very long reprimanding letter to me. And i dread reading those hurtful, nasty letters. These letters get me down really bad i tell you :( The last letter that i can recall, it started with "It's all your fault." Tell me, who in the right mind would want to read such a letter?? I read it out of curiosity, out of the fact that i wanted to know what she thinks so that we could resolve it. But it's so hard. Nasty accusations the letters are full of. What happened to all the things i did out of love and respect for her? Taken for granted or squeezed out of her brain by the 95% of resentment i suppose... Sigh. It was supposed to be a happy day for me, having finally completed 4 days of tiring fieldwork in a row and finally taking a break tomorrow. But now the thought of the letter is just such a depressant... :(((

Regardless of what she thinks, i have no resentment for her, and i still do respect and treat her as my mother. I think i am more tired to retaliate or do anything about it anymore because it seems embedded in her mind that i am a selfish, ungrateful wretch. Nothing i do now will appease her i guess. And unfortunately, i think our relationship has deteriorated to a state where there is very little trust. Add that to the daily friction because we are still living together and have such different views on life, and life becomes quite unbearable. Wish i had the guts to just move out to live like my sister. :( Will she only cherish me then when i'm gone, just like how she always sides my brother and sister now that they are far away from her reach?

I chope you!!

A sneak peek into our wedding :) Complimentary photo we got from a wedding exhibition :)

Note to self (one of many to come i believe)

Life is never peaceful with mum. We just don't get along anymore. She's been back for less than 3 weeks and I'm thinking of staying overnight in lab tonight just to avoid her :((( We've probably had one civil lunch together, because i simply avoid beng around her for long periods. Just when I thought Diego and I should give her a nice lunch treat this weekend, she reminds me of how much I want to move out. P.R.O.N.T.O. It is beyond me how she can just sit at home the whole day watching tv or reading newspapers, especially when she wants (not so badly it seems since she is not working for it at all??) to get citizenship here. And my bro? He wants me to stay on another year or so after I graduate just to help her get her citizenship. Provided I haven't ended up in the IMH or we haven't physically killed each other, yes I can.

This is me trying to write my paper while she is blasting the tv behind meShe keeps a tv in her bedroom for decoration by the way. Her highness can only watch tv on the big screen out in the living room, even if the loud volume disturbs other people.

A step towards my new future.

No fancy candle-lit dinner,
No big flashy declaration of love,
Just a simple, honest affair.
A proposal that is a reflection of who we are,

A marriage-skeptic is what i have been most of my life, since my parents had a bad breakup. One of my mum's first reactions was to taunt me about breaking my marriage-skepticism for this. It surprises me though, that the all-knowing woman thinks this. Does she not realize that i may say that i don't believe in marriage, often in defiance? Sometimes, as a retort towards her for having said hurtful things to me? And although there is still some fear and doubt towards men, i have found someone who makes me want to take that risk. I certainly do not want to be like my mother, who shuns doing things just because she is afraid of failure or rejection.. I guess I will live my life as it comes, and try to accept everything as a learning experience. So please mum, can i have your blessings and not just snide remarks?

What to do now? Most people i know feel that this is too soon - we have been dating for just 9 months and 8 days. But thing is, we meet up almost everyday of the week, which is alot more frequent than many other couples! And his sincerity and honesty is something that cannot be missed. One of the sad things is, i don't know why i feel the need to explain myself to everyone else. If only people did not judge! And how can i reject the sweetest guy on Earth? ;p

Bless us!!

Permanently scarred?

Whew, woke up this morning from a nightmare :(( Probably the nth nightmare I've had about the same recurring topic lately - immigration officers in Bintan asking me to fly back to Jakarta to get some stupid permission again!! Seems I've not quite gotten over it yet. And i have to give up going on a trek to Mt Rinjani this year because i am just so afraid of getting stopped by the officers again... :(

1.5 mths of F.R.E.E.D.O.M.

Mum's finally gone off to Perth for the next 1.5mths! Had been eager for the day to arrive, cuz we just don't seem to get along. Diego'd encouraged me to send her off at the airport and so i offered, well, kinda.. :p but on the night before she left, she really put me off again (is it just an excuse??) and so i decided just to SMS her before her flight :p What happened? Well please tell me if I'm wrong to be upset, but she insisted on locking her room door for the entire period! Why? Because she says she thinks I'm "not trustworthy". Apparently, I'd given her the impression some time ago (she can't remember how), that i am not trustworthy and will do stuff like letting my dad into her room while she is away. Why thanks mum, i really appreciate the lack of trust. And the lack of faith in me as a person.

Strangely, an hour or so before her departure i was actually feeling a twinge of sadness! Totally weird, cuz we seldom communicate when we are together, and when we do, it almost always leads to unhappy squabbles :( But all's well now cuz I'm so caught up with work and my Wolf that i barely have time to think about her! :p Just enjoying no nagging at the moment ;) And i can actually do the laundry without having to weigh it!! Mwhahahaha. :p :p

Looking ahead with trepidation

Gosh there are sooo many things on my mind these days. Gotta think about how I'm gonna complete my PhD in time, given that things are not working so well :( And if i don't finish by end of this year, which will prolly be the case, i gotta think of how I'm gonna support myself for the many months that I'll be without a stipend! :s And, then even after that, what's next?? Do i continue in this field of marine research? Knowing me, i like to stay in my comfort zone so am most likely to do that, even though I'd had dreams of joining marine expeditions just for the experience, and then maybe doing internships. But i realized I'm already turning 28 soon!! And then the big 3-0 will come very soon. Oh. My. Gosh. But I'm so tired, just wanna take a long holiday. Haha.. go backpacking around the world (ok, well i obviously have to scale down my world tour due to financial constraints). Or should i just get a boring 9-5 office job? But, one thing i really wanna do is to live overseas for a while. Just for the life experience, and perhaps find someplace else that i love. And also just to move far far away from my mother!! If you'd read the previous posts, you might know why. But all this depends on whether or not i can find a job overseas too. Post-doc seems the most likely. But who's gonna hire me for not having any publications to my name yet?? :( Better buck up already! And it gets more complicated now that I've D in my life, cuz we'd need to move to the same place. Howwww??? What if i can't find a job where he gets a scholarship to do his PhD? Sigh. An adult's life is so stressful! I can't wait to move on to the next phase of my life though. 頑張って！

Ah and then I'm also toying with the idea of moving out on my own this July, because after the most recent episode with my mother, i really feel that it's time for me to move on and out. I know she will be angry (again, what else is new?). But what can i do? Not that i want to waste the money, but it seems i have no choice if i wanna preserve my sanity :(

Happy 5th month anniversary

I'm such a hopeless girlfriend, and he's such a hopeless romantic! Usually one would expect the girl to remember anniversaries and such, but in our case it's the reverse. It seems work and family issues have made me so worn out that I'm no longer the sweet girl who'd love to hand-make gifts and cards for my beloved friends. Friend's wedding? Sure, make a cross-stitch more than 6 months in advance. Friend's birthday? Yup, make a card and send it few thousand miles away, and have it reach on time. Christmas round the corner? Ooh let's make personalized gifts for everyone in the lab! Haa.. gone are those days man.. How sad! I yearn for the day when I'd have such mood to do these things again.

ANYWAY, back to the topic of 5th month anniversary.. So yea, he had to remind me of it while I'd completely forgotten! :p Such a sweetheart. But alas we did not manage to have a good celebration... See, first of all, us 2 pathetic souls are still recovering from a nasty flu. Check out the bags of antibiotics and other medicines, one for him and one for me:
And to make it worse, we were violated by a peeping tom!!!! :S First time in my life. Got a real shock when we discovered someone hiding in the bushes, and was prolly there watching us for a whole 10 minutes before we discovered him :(( Totally spoilt our mood after that because it's beyond us why people would do such stupid things...

离家出走。

It'd crossed my mind several times before in my life, but never had I the guts to do it. For the first time in my almost 27 years on this planet, I actually really left home in a fit of anger. Well, it wasn't as dramatic as leaving for good, but I'd planned to leave for at least the weekend. Since she doesn't welcome me in her house, she doesn't want me in her house. It still stings when I think about it :(

It's just a jumbled mess in my mind now. There is so much in my mind, but they have all been thrown into chaos. As I write this, I am still contemplating if I should go back to what people call my "home". "Home", as they call it, is a 5-room HDB flat which I've been living in for more than 10 years. "Home" as they call it, has long become more of a hotel for me, for I often leave home in the morning before she wakes up, and return around midnight. And now "home", has been reduced to a mere empty shell without its operculum.. Cold, empty.

The recent episode which finally triggered my leaving.. I caught a flu from Diego, and she was angry that I let myself catch the flu from him. She was upset that he came over too often as we'd wanted to accompany each other through our illness. Why? Because she needs her "private time". When I'm at home nursing my flu all day, I deprive her of her "personal space" and "private time". Because she cannot watch her Oprah, Ellen or Rachel Ray on TV in comfort when I'm at home. Because she cannot blast the radio all day long when I'm at home. When I return home at 9+, 10 pm, she blames me for coming home too early and interrupting her mopping the floor. Gosh aren't I welcomed and loved?

It's not just this. It's been going on for so long. Nothing I do is ever "right" to her. Nothing I do is ever good enough for her standards.

How did it become to this? And how can I get out of this? I only know how to run away. Offers from 3 lovely friends for me to bunk in with them? Tempting. But I can't impose on my friends forever. Consider moving out on my own? Rental is expensive. I'm already planning for a semester without stipend. Diego wanting me to share a room with him? Even more tempting, given that he'll pay the bulk of the rental.. Decisions decisions.. I wish I knew what to do. I need guts. Perhaps the next time she pushes me to the edge again, then my guts will really tell me what to do..

Day 3 - slight frustration

When you haven't really got to chat with him the day after he'd arrived (i.e. the day you should theoretically get to chat with him online again) due to several missed chances, it kinda gets frustrating. When you're online, he's not. And when you decide to leave for a jog, he comes online and leaves you an offline message. Always missing him by 1h, it seems :( It makes me realize how I always took it for granted that he's always online, around in the department, AND in the same time zone (I know this sounds ridiculous but it's a valid point ok!!) where one can easily catch him online!

Now that I'm bored and missing him but can't get to him, I think I'll tell some stories about him haha (maybe hope that he forgets about and doesn't read this blog) - First impressions! PS: Not for the faint-hearted

This was partly inspired by my stumbling upon this website the other day: http://nusbiodiversity.wordpress.com/2008/11/03/new-ra-in-town/
And I thought, I'd seen this post before! Oh this heart-melting smile ;) Hehe, but at that time, it was just "Oh, another ang moh in the department" *promptly moves to surf the next blog, haha.

OMG he is finally online! Till next time~ :D

First day of countdown

The day started out pretty well, and I felt pretty happy with myself for being able to cope with your absence. No calls yet, but finally an email, then another :) I know I'm so eager to hear from you, but when you finally call, I seem rather nonchalant! Cool as a cucumber. But after we hang up, I start to miss you more. I'm weird like that. As the day progresses, it just gets worse :( Oh no and it's only day 1! Let's see how well I can take it. Wish it were December already. (Oh yea the weather sure does feel like winter in SG but unfortunately it's not!)

Come back soon! I miss your smile.

Food for thought

Would you ever patronize a prostitute? This question goes out to all the guys out there. This is something which has always bugged me - How do guys without a willing partner manage their sex drive? Would they resort to paid sex?

I posed this question to a (young) wise man yesterday, and he gave the most beautiful answer I'd ever heard. He'd like to bring her out and treat her to a nice dinner. Simply because he respects her as a woman. *swoon* I know it sounds too good to be true. But my heart tells me this came from the bottom of this man's heart =) No doubt a lustful one (haha!!), but a sincere one =) Really makes one feel there is finally hope for the male species!

For the First Time

For the first time i sat by the riverside and had a long, leisurely chat with a friend.

For the first time, i felt so at ease and comforted to have you by my side.

For the first time, i thought i felt my heart thump because of you.

Is this my destiny? Just yesterday till this morning, i was quite determined to be hard-hearted and ask to to go away, never to return. But your honesty, sincerity has somehow moved me. :)

Will there be a next time?

The Guilt Trap

So they say, "You can choose ur friends, but not ur family." How very true. I wish it were not the case though :( The family's totally screwed up and how i wish i could just leave and abandon it all...

7pm: i get a few missed calls while in lecture from my dad, who's presumably somewhere in China. But i couldn't pick up. Then comes the sms that reads "HUEY IS IN SGP. SHE NEED SOME MONEY PL CALL HER AT 9353..." She really baffles me. How can one come back without prior notice, without any hello, coming through a 3rd person to get money from you? And you send her an sms to ask about her situation, no reply.
12mn: Yet another call from the 3rd person, asking YOU to call HER cuz SHE needs money.

I just cannot deal with this crap anymore. Really don't know how my bro coped with this kinda shit.