PCRs are back again!

Was pretty depressed the past weeks cuz after a few months' hiatus from PCR-ing, they suddenly did not work! :( But yesterday, i got like at least 50% of them working well again! Since this is a duplex reaction i am trying, sometimes one reaction just doesn't work as well. But those that work, are looking good! Check out the gorgeous gel in the last panel at the bottom!! :D If only all gels looked like that, or better! Haha greedy pig. But whew, these 96 PCRs took more than 1.5h to set up, and another 1.5h to run the gel for!!
Doesn't seem like there is any genetic variation though.. :s

Not cut out for this.

There has been a recent flurry of publications from friends and colleagues all around me! Of course, I'm proud of them for their achievements, and honoured to know them. But it's really starting to make me feel inadequate, especially when even my experiments are not going smoothly :( Been at my microsat work for ages yet I am still troubleshooting, and unsure of my sampling method :( :( Yet it seems people all around are publishing on these damn microsats. It's prolly just me :(

And then I find this paper from 2007 on larval rearing which documents their changes in vertical distribution!! Same idea as my other set of experiments but seems to be conducted in a much more realistic manner. Oh gosh I am so screwed. 2007!! Why didn't I come across this paper in my literature search? How is any of my work of relevance, or going to be publishable...? :'(

I feel so useless. :(

Day 3 - slight frustration

When you haven't really got to chat with him the day after he'd arrived (i.e. the day you should theoretically get to chat with him online again) due to several missed chances, it kinda gets frustrating. When you're online, he's not. And when you decide to leave for a jog, he comes online and leaves you an offline message. Always missing him by 1h, it seems :( It makes me realize how I always took it for granted that he's always online, around in the department, AND in the same time zone (I know this sounds ridiculous but it's a valid point ok!!) where one can easily catch him online!

Now that I'm bored and missing him but can't get to him, I think I'll tell some stories about him haha (maybe hope that he forgets about and doesn't read this blog) - First impressions! PS: Not for the faint-hearted

This was partly inspired by my stumbling upon this website the other day: http://nusbiodiversity.wordpress.com/2008/11/03/new-ra-in-town/
And I thought, I'd seen this post before! Oh this heart-melting smile ;) Hehe, but at that time, it was just "Oh, another ang moh in the department" *promptly moves to surf the next blog, haha.

OMG he is finally online! Till next time~ :D

First day of countdown

The day started out pretty well, and I felt pretty happy with myself for being able to cope with your absence. No calls yet, but finally an email, then another :) I know I'm so eager to hear from you, but when you finally call, I seem rather nonchalant! Cool as a cucumber. But after we hang up, I start to miss you more. I'm weird like that. As the day progresses, it just gets worse :( Oh no and it's only day 1! Let's see how well I can take it. Wish it were December already. (Oh yea the weather sure does feel like winter in SG but unfortunately it's not!)

Come back soon! I miss your smile.

Food for thought

Would you ever patronize a prostitute? This question goes out to all the guys out there. This is something which has always bugged me - How do guys without a willing partner manage their sex drive? Would they resort to paid sex?

I posed this question to a (young) wise man yesterday, and he gave the most beautiful answer I'd ever heard. He'd like to bring her out and treat her to a nice dinner. Simply because he respects her as a woman. *swoon* I know it sounds too good to be true. But my heart tells me this came from the bottom of this man's heart =) No doubt a lustful one (haha!!), but a sincere one =) Really makes one feel there is finally hope for the male species!

For the First Time

For the first time i sat by the riverside and had a long, leisurely chat with a friend.

For the first time, i felt so at ease and comforted to have you by my side.

For the first time, i thought i felt my heart thump because of you.

Is this my destiny? Just yesterday till this morning, i was quite determined to be hard-hearted and ask to to go away, never to return. But your honesty, sincerity has somehow moved me. :)

Will there be a next time?

The Guilt Trap

So they say, "You can choose ur friends, but not ur family." How very true. I wish it were not the case though :( The family's totally screwed up and how i wish i could just leave and abandon it all...

7pm: i get a few missed calls while in lecture from my dad, who's presumably somewhere in China. But i couldn't pick up. Then comes the sms that reads "HUEY IS IN SGP. SHE NEED SOME MONEY PL CALL HER AT 9353..." She really baffles me. How can one come back without prior notice, without any hello, coming through a 3rd person to get money from you? And you send her an sms to ask about her situation, no reply.
12mn: Yet another call from the 3rd person, asking YOU to call HER cuz SHE needs money.

I just cannot deal with this crap anymore. Really don't know how my bro coped with this kinda shit.

:(

Wants to crawl into a giant clam shell and close it shut.

Wants to climb up the highest mountain and scream out lungs.

Wants to go to the far corners of the Earth where no one knows me.

Wishes i was never born.

Another load off my chest

I finally did it. Not sure if things have been totally resolved, but I feel things should get better from now. The relationship between my supervisor and I have become so strained in the last year, so much so that I feel so stifled and super depressed. Always hiding from him, (very) often cursing him. Every time after talking to him I'd need to cry :( And so it happened again yesterday, but thankfully I went to seek help, and under the advice of dear Denise (thanks babe *muacks*) I mustered up enough courage to talk to him again. This time about the issues between us, and to let him know my concerns, my insecurities. Also to apologize to him for giving him such a rough time as a supervisor. Brave me, no? ="= Haha but of course this was between tears :p I think he took it pretty well, and kinda appreciated the gesture. Pray for me that it will get better!

Graduation Mania!

Yesterday was the commencement ceremony of many of my friends-the hons kids, and also several grad students as well!! Started off with some crazy picture taking frenzy in the lab, then some more after their ceremony. Am gonna miss u all! Especially all my 'kids', as i dearly call them..

Some crazy photos with dear Nicky (a very sweet boy, no doubt) who i really miss having around:
And then there's my sweetheart, Pammie :) Thanks for being my ISFJ!
And then Zee! Glad we kinda made up after the spawning fiasco.. :p
A very happening graduation event, cuz so many of them are graduating!! Especially so cuz the BioD group is small and are very close :) Wish I had such a fun and cosy graduation!!

Sigh, this is my 3rd batch of honours students already! Every year they come and go, breaking my heart each time! Perhaps i shouldn't get too close to them eh? :p

Willi Hennig Conference

After a long absence from blogging, I'm finally back. Prolly cuz someone reminded me that I have a blog! I'd been neglecting it for the evil Facebook. But then it occurred to me, it's prolly more cuz nobody actually reads this blog, so I'm talking to the wall when i write here. Haha. Ok i shall save my most private inner thoughts for this then, just like the good old pen-book-diary days (not that I could ever keep one for long!).

Anyway, the past few months have somehow gone past in a blur.. With the coral spawning mania over, there was the World Ocean Conference in Manado, followed by a period of depression... and then just last week, the Willi Hennig Conference which I'm supposed to be blogging about!

So although I was kinda made to attend this conference as a participant (first time attending a conference without having to prepare anything!), it was a pretty good experience I must say :) The even kicked off (for me) with a talk on Charles Darwin by Alfred Wallace by a historian, Dr John van Wyhe from Cambridge University. To think I was contemplating not attending the talk! Good thing I did in the end, 'cuz I really enjoyed the talk, and was even thinking about looking up Darwin's Beagle voyage books in the library! Never thought I'd actually enjoy such a nerdy talk ="=

The following few days of talks was really trying though.. So many trees.. Everyone was generating phylogenetic trees and presenting some funky analysis which I tried so hard to understand! (Danwei, this woulda been the perfect conference for you!!) Big words like synapomorphy, apomorphy etc that I'd seen before but can't remember what they meant, really threw me off balance.. I prolly understood < 5% of each talk :( Trying to be intelligent when you're not is tough! But I don't regret attending the talks, as I really wanna widen my horizon, and I think I did learn some stuff (albeit prolly not worth USD$150)! :p It was quite different from the other conferences I'd attended, as this conference was on a much smaller scale so it was a bit more engaging during the Q&A session, and there was no frantically running around between sessions!

One of my favourites about conferences is meeting people. Not just about seeing all the quirky characters of the scientists, like we had a Santa Claus, a Jesus Christ etc., but more so about being awed by the brilliance of these people. How I wish I could be just half as intelligent as any of them! Two of the people who left the deepest impression were "Jesus", the developer of TNT (better than PAUP!) and Dr John van Wyhe, the expert on Charles Darwin. It was really good meeting John, cuz I'd been really perturbed about religion/creationism & evolution for the longest time, and he did enlighten me somewhat. Although I still think I won't be able to accept believing in both at the same time, I can better understand why so many of my friends can. Thanks John! :) Hehe and now I think I have a mild crush on John, a HISTORIAN! ="= A true nerd indeed. How unthinkable!! :p Haha, think I'm just attracted to intelligent men :p :p Hehe so I shamelessly introduced myself, and even asked to have a picture taken with him!

Thank you for making my day! =)

A card from a dear friend all the way in another corner of the earth that really made my day. =) Haven't read it yet, but it's already made my day, especially cuz the past few weeks have been really rough. Humorous card too eh? ;)

Thank you so much.

Amazing wonders of Mother Nature! :)

Came across some awesome stuff on the National Geographic website's news that I'd like to share, cuz they really took my breath away! =) Some of you must have already seen it, cuz it's been going around for a while.

First up is this giant freshwater stingray (Himantura chaophraya), which was found during a National Geographic expedition in Thailand. These stingray however, were first discovered by scientists in 1989 (probably much earlier by local fishermen). The one in this picture here was estimated to weigh 250-450kg!! Check out the previous article about their finding in Cambodia too-the mummy giant stingray just gave birth to a baby!

Next up is this deep sea Pacific barreleye fish (Macropinna microstoma), which has a transparent head, not unlike that of a helicopter cockpit! Isn't this cool!
For a closer look at the fish: Note the 2 beady-like parts that look like the eyes, but are not! The eyes are actually safely protected behind the transparent "shield"-look at the greyish barrel like structures topped with the green orbital lens, those are the eyes! They are really cool creatures cuz these eyes are really sensitive, probably a requirement because they live at depths of 600m, where light is really scarce. The green lens are thought to function to filter out the green bioluminescence from their prey.
Unbelieveable? Well I thought so too, initially when my friend first showed it to me. But after seeing a post on it on my other friend's blog, it finally piqued my curiosity enough to check it out on the National Geographic webbie. The video clip gives quite a good view of the fish in action. Check it out! :)

If you still have time to spare, explore the website! http://www.nationalgeographic.com/ There are so many cool stuff :) Or if you don't have time, search for the sargassum fish and watch the video. It's pretty cool too, how this fish camouflages perfectly to help itself hunt prey. Plus it has a transparent body, and you can watch how the prey actually goes into the sargassum fish, and ultimately .. dies... But that's nature ;p

O Happy Day~

Had a tiring but fun & exciting dive at Semakau today. First dive was to help epoxy some corals to the reef, where i saw a big, fat nudi (I think it's the Ceratosoma gracillimum)! :) Too bad I didn't have my camera with me. Then during my 2nd dive where i was trying to take the GPS readings for my transects, I saw... a big BOO BOO! :( Really upsetting. During the previous dive (last week), I'd seen the same (I think) boo boo, with a big fish (dunno what it is), a medium-sized fish (also dunno what it is, haha), a couple of butterfly fish and 3 catfish!! And today, this was the last straw:TWO huge cuttlefish!!! :(
So I made a bold move and got my dive buddy, KB, to help tow this big boo boo back to the boat to get a cutter...
The creatures were still a lil' stunned and not sure how to get out..
So we had to shake the boo boo a bit to help them out. Job well done, KB! =)

Then we stopped by SJI and I got to see the new pair of kittens that has been charming everyone's hearts - Troy & Spunx. They are soooo cute.Aren't they, aren't they!! :D I can't stop gushing over them. My heart has melted and melted again.

Beautiful voices~ :)

Am so moved by these songs that I felt I just had to post it here to share with my loved ones :) Check them out! Hope the links still work!

This first one is by Hayley Westenra, and she really touches my heartstrings with her singing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vcMJlTjzZgs&feature=related There is another one by her that I love, "Beat of your heart". You can find it here too if you're interested!

The other clip I'd fallen in love is by Jean Baptiste Maunier and an unknown female singer. Hope you like it too~

NL gathering! :)

It was to be a night of CNY reunion for all NL's labbies and ex-labbies. A planned BBQ and surprise birthday celebration for the great man himself, that did not go as planned but worked out well! :) Was great meeting up with the ex-labbies of my time, and seeing the juniors in the lab :) Of course, catching up with NL himself (but i don't know why I'm always left with the 'task' of entertaining him! He was often left sitting by himself, so I had to keep up the conversation with him! No fair! I mean, talking to him is no problem, just that to have to entertain him the entire night is tough!!). But poor NL has been rather down lately as his father passed away recently :( So some of his labbies wanted this gathering to help lift his spirits. And a surprise early birthday party! So I was the 'bait', who was to lure NL for a tour of his place (though i had another bright idea and changed it to leading him out of the house, on the pretext of looking for a very blur friend of mine who might get lost finding her way up. She really did get lost, by the way!), while the rest scrambled to decorate the place, light the candles on the cake... Am quite pleased with myself that I managed to help pull it off, haha. Me likes surprises :D This is some of us hiding in a tiny balcony behind his kitchen, blowing up the balloons and trying on the party hats, haha. Hope NL had a good time. Well at least he was sporting enough to wear the party hat and hold the sunflowers I got for him! =)

ありがとうね、亜也ちゃん。

Just finished watching this really inspiring Japanese drama entitled <<1リットルの涙>>, i.e. "1 Litre of Tears". Yes I know it sounds tragic and you are asking for it if your watch it. But it's really not as bad as it sounds! I did not cry as much as I expected to! Because it inspired me, and touched my heart, I'd like to share it with you :)

Basically this is a memoir of a girl named Aya (亜也), who was struck with spinocerebellar atrophy at the tender age of 15. It was based on the diaries she wrote after being diagnosed with the disease, and depicts the struggles she faced till her death about 10 years later. Sounds like a recipe for doom (for the viewer I mean) right? Well yes and no. Certainly it was sad watching her condition deteriorate with time (and it did not help that the lead actress looks really sweet!), seeing her loved ones' hearts ache, but what struck me more was how she dealt with this set of bad cards handed to her. For those of you who are scratching your heads, this was (and is still?) an incurable disease, where one slowly loses the ability to perform daily activities like walking, writing, speaking and eating even! Of course, she did not sail through this like Wonder Woman - she had difficulties coming to terms with getting the disease, bearing so much fear about her future. But she never gave up. She pushed on hard during rehabilitation sessions, kept on writing in her diary even though it was hard for her even to hold a pen. Even more devastating for her was the fact that she was a bright student who just got into a top high-school, and was excelling in basketball-all this was mercilessly taken away from her!

As I watched her daily struggles, I realized how greedy I am. I who have the ability to walk, talk freely, am complaining about the little setbacks in life. I often feel that my life is worthless and feel like giving up. But as I went about my daily run-there I was, up and about, running, moving freely, my limbs were mine.. I thought of Aya, and realized my foolishness for not cherishing what I have; for taking my abilities for granted. Aya could inspire many people even while she was bedridden. Who am I to give up! Yes, so i will persevere and try to make the best out of what I have...

This is a translation of a part of her diary:
"What's wrong with falling down? Because as long as I can stand up again it'll be just fine. If you look up at the sky after falling down, the sky is still blue and the sun is still smiling at me. People shouldn't dwell on the past. It's enough to try your best in all you're doing." Yea the phrasing is a bit strange, but you get the idea ;) Heh I know this is like an obvious thought, but sometimes when i get weighed down too heavily by the stresses of life, I tend to forget. Aya reminded me.

Thank you, Aya-chan :) I'm sure you'll be happy to know that you are still helping others after your passing on..For those who are interested in watching the show, it's a short 11-episode drama, available at www.mysoju.com/1-litre-of-tears/ Watch it! ;)

Of course, I prolly won't be able to persevere without all you guys' love too =)

Conned!

Was rushing to meet a friend today when I got stopped at the entrance to Orchard MRT station outside CK Tangs, by a slightly scruffy, middle-aged man. He said his ATM card got eaten up, and was waiting for a friend that would come only 4-5 hours later, so he needed $3-4 to tide him over lunch. Most of my brain was screaming at me to just say sorry and walk away from this conman, but unfortunately I'm such a softie that I relented, and gave him $2!! After that I kept thinking about it - he was holding a bottle of water and a banana. It's just a few hours! So what if he starves for a few hours? He's a grown man for goodness' sake. What kind of a dumbo am I?! To think I was still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt as I walked on to meet my friend. But this very clear-headed friend later confirmed my suspicions of being conned :( I'm sure any of you reading this post would agree with her! :S

Life's complicated.

How I wish I were still a child. Life was so carefree; little day-to-day pleasures brightened the day, no worries about financial issues (money was always available from ATM machines), no fears of being incompetent at work and thinking that you are no better than the weeds growing in the dumpster, no frustrating over conflicts in relationships (it was either a "i hate you cuz u took my ice cream" but all well again the next day, or simply "i like you"!). A series of pictures taken by a lady (whom I do not know) captured the pure innocence in her daughter, and my heart. Partly cuz I so wish to have such innocence once again. Here is one of my favourite pictures of her that I have saved:

I hope she won't be too upset at me posting this photo! (Dear Firefly, if you ever see this post and would like this removed please let me know!) Unfortunately she seems to have removed her pictures from the website, prolly cuz of people like me :( I really miss seeing her pictures!

Yes I am emo-ing again. It's been a while since I've blogged, and it's cuz the past few weeks have been really draining. Work has not been going too smoothly, and I have been questioning again what I am doing, trying to do a PhD?? :( Am really better off in a brainless 9-5 admin job. A friend has scolded me before for thinking this way - that I am insulting the rest of the human population! Insulting those who did not make it to uni, or those who did not get a good class degree.. I understand this, but it is difficult not to doubt myself when everything is not going right, despite trying so hard! :( I guess I expect much more of myself.

Sad to say, emotional struggles continue to weigh me down in this new year... Guess where I crossed over the new year 2009? In a cab! In short, thoughts of a depressed, lonely and suicidal father in a faraway land started the floodgates and I sobbed all the way from City Hall to Yishun MRT. I'd arranged to meet a friend at Yishun cuz I was feeling down. Good thing I did, cuz that was the worst day ever, as I'd never cried till my face and body went numb! :( One heartening thing was that, as I got off the MRT at Yishun, a very kind lady tried to console me, and even accompanied me till my friend came. She probably was worried I was going to be suicidal on New Years' Eve. There is still love in this world. Too bad I never got to see her face nor get her name, or even thank her! :( So I spent the rest of the evening at my friend's place, but left shortly before midnight as I did not wish to incur a hefty cab fare :p A memorable start to the new year huh?

Feeling like a bitch. "You can never be best friends with everyone". There are simply too many people in this world, too many people around you. I am sorry, but my heart does not have enough room for everyone! But what should one do when people try to force their way into one's life? I run away! And this has apparently hurt someone. I am confused. I feel guilty, yet I still wish to retain the freedom in my choice of friends and not succumb to peer pressure to warmly embrace everyone that comes along :( I wish I could, but that would be really tiring! Can someone offer a solution?