Sigh. For those of you who don't know, i had another argument with mum again a few weeks back, and she is still really mad at me, totally ignoring me over what started as a small matter. Not again. Sigh. I think out of 365 days in a year, she is probably
- angry + cold war for 300 days
- angry for 45 days
with me!
Now we are at the first option. :( Seriously, i hate confrontations. And i hate cold wars too. I much prefer peace. Luckily i have a terrible memory (prolly getting Alzheimer's soon). Unfortunately for me though, mum has dedicated 95% of her memory to bearing grudges and can dig up horrible things i did more than 10 years ago (which i am ashamed to admit having done, but i have!). :(( And i'll say it here. Yes i used to argue alot with my sister and say mean things, but don't we all fight with our siblings? One incident i vaguely remember was arguing with my sis over the use of the toilet, and things got so heated up and i remember giving her a tight slap on her face because i felt she was rude. These are things i'd forgotten, but jolted into memory thanks to none other than my mother. And i really regret having done that..I am not sure if my sister still remembers and bear grudges against me for these things.. But, i am certain i am not the same person i was more than 10 years ago. Having gone through an extra decade of life, experienced the ways of the world (albeit my small comfy little shelter in Singapore) and being humbled by many people around me, why does she still harp on all these things that are already over? When will it be time to move on? :(
Each time she will write a very long reprimanding letter to me. And i dread reading those hurtful, nasty letters. These letters get me down really bad i tell you :( The last letter that i can recall, it started with "It's all your fault." Tell me, who in the right mind would want to read such a letter?? I read it out of curiosity, out of the fact that i wanted to know what she thinks so that we could resolve it. But it's so hard. Nasty accusations the letters are full of. What happened to all the things i did out of love and respect for her? Taken for granted or squeezed out of her brain by the 95% of resentment i suppose... Sigh. It was supposed to be a happy day for me, having finally completed 4 days of tiring fieldwork in a row and finally taking a break tomorrow. But now the thought of the letter is just such a depressant... :(((
Regardless of what she thinks, i have no resentment for her, and i still do respect and treat her as my mother. I think i am more tired to retaliate or do anything about it anymore because it seems embedded in her mind that i am a selfish, ungrateful wretch. Nothing i do now will appease her i guess. And unfortunately, i think our relationship has deteriorated to a state where there is very little trust. Add that to the daily friction because we are still living together and have such different views on life, and life becomes quite unbearable. Wish i had the guts to just move out to live like my sister. :( Will she only cherish me then when i'm gone, just like how she always sides my brother and sister now that they are far away from her reach?
It might not be half as theatrical as the real thing but i think we pulled it off pretty well on a low budget ($2 x 3 tablecloths from Daiso and one pack of multi-coloured feathers from Spotlight. Most expensive thing was the lipstick!) ;) Good job girls! :D It was really fun coming up with ideas on how to make the costumes :))
Check out the super adorable koi hat on his head!! *eeps* Never seen such a cute hat!
