离家出走。

It'd crossed my mind several times before in my life, but never had I the guts to do it. For the first time in my almost 27 years on this planet, I actually really left home in a fit of anger. Well, it wasn't as dramatic as leaving for good, but I'd planned to leave for at least the weekend. Since she doesn't welcome me in her house, she doesn't want me in her house. It still stings when I think about it :(

It's just a jumbled mess in my mind now. There is so much in my mind, but they have all been thrown into chaos. As I write this, I am still contemplating if I should go back to what people call my "home". "Home", as they call it, is a 5-room HDB flat which I've been living in for more than 10 years. "Home" as they call it, has long become more of a hotel for me, for I often leave home in the morning before she wakes up, and return around midnight. And now "home", has been reduced to a mere empty shell without its operculum.. Cold, empty.

The recent episode which finally triggered my leaving.. I caught a flu from Diego, and she was angry that I let myself catch the flu from him. She was upset that he came over too often as we'd wanted to accompany each other through our illness. Why? Because she needs her "private time". When I'm at home nursing my flu all day, I deprive her of her "personal space" and "private time". Because she cannot watch her Oprah, Ellen or Rachel Ray on TV in comfort when I'm at home. Because she cannot blast the radio all day long when I'm at home. When I return home at 9+, 10 pm, she blames me for coming home too early and interrupting her mopping the floor. Gosh aren't I welcomed and loved?

It's not just this. It's been going on for so long. Nothing I do is ever "right" to her. Nothing I do is ever good enough for her standards.

How did it become to this? And how can I get out of this? I only know how to run away. Offers from 3 lovely friends for me to bunk in with them? Tempting. But I can't impose on my friends forever. Consider moving out on my own? Rental is expensive. I'm already planning for a semester without stipend. Diego wanting me to share a room with him? Even more tempting, given that he'll pay the bulk of the rental.. Decisions decisions.. I wish I knew what to do. I need guts. Perhaps the next time she pushes me to the edge again, then my guts will really tell me what to do..