ありがとうね、亜也ちゃん。

Just finished watching this really inspiring Japanese drama entitled <<1リットルの涙>>, i.e. "1 Litre of Tears". Yes I know it sounds tragic and you are asking for it if your watch it. But it's really not as bad as it sounds! I did not cry as much as I expected to! Because it inspired me, and touched my heart, I'd like to share it with you :)

Basically this is a memoir of a girl named Aya (亜也), who was struck with spinocerebellar atrophy at the tender age of 15. It was based on the diaries she wrote after being diagnosed with the disease, and depicts the struggles she faced till her death about 10 years later. Sounds like a recipe for doom (for the viewer I mean) right? Well yes and no. Certainly it was sad watching her condition deteriorate with time (and it did not help that the lead actress looks really sweet!), seeing her loved ones' hearts ache, but what struck me more was how she dealt with this set of bad cards handed to her. For those of you who are scratching your heads, this was (and is still?) an incurable disease, where one slowly loses the ability to perform daily activities like walking, writing, speaking and eating even! Of course, she did not sail through this like Wonder Woman - she had difficulties coming to terms with getting the disease, bearing so much fear about her future. But she never gave up. She pushed on hard during rehabilitation sessions, kept on writing in her diary even though it was hard for her even to hold a pen. Even more devastating for her was the fact that she was a bright student who just got into a top high-school, and was excelling in basketball-all this was mercilessly taken away from her!

As I watched her daily struggles, I realized how greedy I am. I who have the ability to walk, talk freely, am complaining about the little setbacks in life. I often feel that my life is worthless and feel like giving up. But as I went about my daily run-there I was, up and about, running, moving freely, my limbs were mine.. I thought of Aya, and realized my foolishness for not cherishing what I have; for taking my abilities for granted. Aya could inspire many people even while she was bedridden. Who am I to give up! Yes, so i will persevere and try to make the best out of what I have...

This is a translation of a part of her diary:
"What's wrong with falling down? Because as long as I can stand up again it'll be just fine. If you look up at the sky after falling down, the sky is still blue and the sun is still smiling at me. People shouldn't dwell on the past. It's enough to try your best in all you're doing." Yea the phrasing is a bit strange, but you get the idea ;) Heh I know this is like an obvious thought, but sometimes when i get weighed down too heavily by the stresses of life, I tend to forget. Aya reminded me.

Thank you, Aya-chan :) I'm sure you'll be happy to know that you are still helping others after your passing on..For those who are interested in watching the show, it's a short 11-episode drama, available at www.mysoju.com/1-litre-of-tears/ Watch it! ;)

Of course, I prolly won't be able to persevere without all you guys' love too =)

Conned!

Was rushing to meet a friend today when I got stopped at the entrance to Orchard MRT station outside CK Tangs, by a slightly scruffy, middle-aged man. He said his ATM card got eaten up, and was waiting for a friend that would come only 4-5 hours later, so he needed $3-4 to tide him over lunch. Most of my brain was screaming at me to just say sorry and walk away from this conman, but unfortunately I'm such a softie that I relented, and gave him $2!! After that I kept thinking about it - he was holding a bottle of water and a banana. It's just a few hours! So what if he starves for a few hours? He's a grown man for goodness' sake. What kind of a dumbo am I?! To think I was still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt as I walked on to meet my friend. But this very clear-headed friend later confirmed my suspicions of being conned :( I'm sure any of you reading this post would agree with her! :S

Life's complicated.

How I wish I were still a child. Life was so carefree; little day-to-day pleasures brightened the day, no worries about financial issues (money was always available from ATM machines), no fears of being incompetent at work and thinking that you are no better than the weeds growing in the dumpster, no frustrating over conflicts in relationships (it was either a "i hate you cuz u took my ice cream" but all well again the next day, or simply "i like you"!). A series of pictures taken by a lady (whom I do not know) captured the pure innocence in her daughter, and my heart. Partly cuz I so wish to have such innocence once again. Here is one of my favourite pictures of her that I have saved:

I hope she won't be too upset at me posting this photo! (Dear Firefly, if you ever see this post and would like this removed please let me know!) Unfortunately she seems to have removed her pictures from the website, prolly cuz of people like me :( I really miss seeing her pictures!

Yes I am emo-ing again. It's been a while since I've blogged, and it's cuz the past few weeks have been really draining. Work has not been going too smoothly, and I have been questioning again what I am doing, trying to do a PhD?? :( Am really better off in a brainless 9-5 admin job. A friend has scolded me before for thinking this way - that I am insulting the rest of the human population! Insulting those who did not make it to uni, or those who did not get a good class degree.. I understand this, but it is difficult not to doubt myself when everything is not going right, despite trying so hard! :( I guess I expect much more of myself.

Sad to say, emotional struggles continue to weigh me down in this new year... Guess where I crossed over the new year 2009? In a cab! In short, thoughts of a depressed, lonely and suicidal father in a faraway land started the floodgates and I sobbed all the way from City Hall to Yishun MRT. I'd arranged to meet a friend at Yishun cuz I was feeling down. Good thing I did, cuz that was the worst day ever, as I'd never cried till my face and body went numb! :( One heartening thing was that, as I got off the MRT at Yishun, a very kind lady tried to console me, and even accompanied me till my friend came. She probably was worried I was going to be suicidal on New Years' Eve. There is still love in this world. Too bad I never got to see her face nor get her name, or even thank her! :( So I spent the rest of the evening at my friend's place, but left shortly before midnight as I did not wish to incur a hefty cab fare :p A memorable start to the new year huh?

Feeling like a bitch. "You can never be best friends with everyone". There are simply too many people in this world, too many people around you. I am sorry, but my heart does not have enough room for everyone! But what should one do when people try to force their way into one's life? I run away! And this has apparently hurt someone. I am confused. I feel guilty, yet I still wish to retain the freedom in my choice of friends and not succumb to peer pressure to warmly embrace everyone that comes along :( I wish I could, but that would be really tiring! Can someone offer a solution?

Holiday mood!

Terrible! Hehe, been kinda like in a holiday mood after my QE. Though I have also been hard at work doing PCRs, I really have slowed down. So many distractions-many bouts of cookie baking, parties, and now making tangyuan! Haha I am also really itching to play some stupid computer game when I really should be doing work :p

I'm so proud of my cute tangyuans that my mum, sis-in-law & I made today :)
Before:
After:

Redemption

"Prof Meier cares about his students... " I blurted out to Pete, my supervisor, and I made the mistake of stopping right there. Ever since then, Pete's finally realized is 'mistake' and been trying very hard to make up for it! Haha, I think he's been so hung up about the fact that his student is "in love" with another Prof; he is jealous (?) and been trying hard to up his popularity stakes. It's pretty scary actually, with ur boss constantly asking after you, trying to ask you out to lunch, treat you to lunch, chat with you - OMG he actually relented and showed me his dreadlock pictures (yes he was a wild youngster, and you really won't believe it was him in the pictures). Especially when at the back of my mind I am thinking "Hmmm, what's he up to.. There must be an agenda behind all this niceness.." This is bad! It's really not a healthy relationship is it, to have so much distrust between each other. Ha, I can just imagine this (ok it's not very well-drawn, but imagine holding daggers behind your back as you smile to each other):
I really hope he has realized that he should care (sincerely) for his students' welfare, and not just so that he gains the adoration of his students. And yea, I also do wish to be able to resolve this asap, cuz it's quite sad to be like this, don't you think? Will I be able to let my heart get past this?

On the Path to Permanent Head Damage

After weeks of panic and frantic preparation, I've finally officially cleared the qualifying examinations that allow me to proceed on the path of permanent head damage. Looking back, I can't believe the frustration I went through the 2 weeks just before the doomed presentation. It's just another public presentation, wasn't it? And to be honest, I think I was prolly more upset with myself and perhaps my boss more than I was worried about the presentation itself. Somewhere inside, I think it's got to do with the many many presentations I have had to give thus far. Guiding at Kusu, teaching the undergraduates, international conferences even, and as much as I hate to admit, I think the frequent presentations for this module I took this semester kinda made me numb to presenting - I have learnt to be thick-skinned!! ="=

Here are some photos that one of my colleagues took of me during the presentation:

That was me desperately trying to undo the format changes that the seminar room's computer had done to my ppt slides (Check out the ppt slide! I designed it myself, cuz I had no idea what picture to put)

Prof Tan, the Chair of my seminar, and also one of the examiners, introducing me to the audience

Me "ready" to field questions from the floor

The presentation went OK, though I got a question on Googgle Earth which I made no sense of, and one question from Richard Corlett that I wished I'd answered much better. It was a question I'd asked myself before over and over again, but I still did not have an answer to it. Then came the grilling session with my examiners, where everyone else was chased out. I got a mild shock, as I did not expect even my supervisors had to go! But thankfully, the examiners were really nice to me *muacks*. As Siva said, they were more trying to help than ruin me. And I really appreciated their concerns about the many risks of my project, my workload - all of which debunked the expectations my own supervisor imposed on me! Gosh you don't know how relieved I was to finally get this kinda affirmation. For my morale has been so badly battered by my supervisor's high expectations and demands. Thank you, Sirs. :)

During the past 2 dark weeks, I also experienced so much love and support from some wonderful people. Words alone can't express my gratitude to them. Karenne, for the immense support and tonnes of advice, lending me a listening ear when I needed to pour my heart out. Thank you so much, you have been so sweet =) Pamela, who was my nanny and forced me to write my proposal, something which I'd otherwise have too much inertia to really get down to doing. And to my "new friends" from the Evo Lab, who have been just the sweetest, supportive (& wacky) bunch of labmates. I love you guys already. This Christmas, I am going to be more broke, but more wealthy in other ways =)

Good things to share!

The past few weeks since I've been back from Australia have been pretty much hellish, as I have been trying to clear the mountains of work on an oxygen-and-sleep-deprived, malfunctioning brain. Was just made worse 3 days ago by my boss, who gave me this i-can't-be-bothered-with-you-anymore attitude when i went to seek him for advice on my project, that i broke down again :( It's funny how it's as if a kid were trying to seek approval and care from his daddy! (Sidetrack: He'd make a great daddy though).

Anyway, at least he brought me this great piece of news that brought some cheer to me: that my good friend has made it to one of the top tier scientific journals, Science!!
http://nusbiodiversity.wordpress.com/2008/11/15/danweis-letter-to-science/
(he is so gonna kill me for notifying the blog moderator to this piece of news..)

Gee I feel really honoured to be his friend. A zillion scientists around the world would be SO happy to get an article in Science, even if it's just a letter to Science! But guess what was the Spoiler's reply when i congratulated him on it??
'Hah? Just write lor. This kind of thing is luck one what. It's not a piece I'm very proud of, but they liked it, so good lor.' -_-"