Life's complicated.

How I wish I were still a child. Life was so carefree; little day-to-day pleasures brightened the day, no worries about financial issues (money was always available from ATM machines), no fears of being incompetent at work and thinking that you are no better than the weeds growing in the dumpster, no frustrating over conflicts in relationships (it was either a "i hate you cuz u took my ice cream" but all well again the next day, or simply "i like you"!). A series of pictures taken by a lady (whom I do not know) captured the pure innocence in her daughter, and my heart. Partly cuz I so wish to have such innocence once again. Here is one of my favourite pictures of her that I have saved:

I hope she won't be too upset at me posting this photo! (Dear Firefly, if you ever see this post and would like this removed please let me know!) Unfortunately she seems to have removed her pictures from the website, prolly cuz of people like me :( I really miss seeing her pictures!

Yes I am emo-ing again. It's been a while since I've blogged, and it's cuz the past few weeks have been really draining. Work has not been going too smoothly, and I have been questioning again what I am doing, trying to do a PhD?? :( Am really better off in a brainless 9-5 admin job. A friend has scolded me before for thinking this way - that I am insulting the rest of the human population! Insulting those who did not make it to uni, or those who did not get a good class degree.. I understand this, but it is difficult not to doubt myself when everything is not going right, despite trying so hard! :( I guess I expect much more of myself.

Sad to say, emotional struggles continue to weigh me down in this new year... Guess where I crossed over the new year 2009? In a cab! In short, thoughts of a depressed, lonely and suicidal father in a faraway land started the floodgates and I sobbed all the way from City Hall to Yishun MRT. I'd arranged to meet a friend at Yishun cuz I was feeling down. Good thing I did, cuz that was the worst day ever, as I'd never cried till my face and body went numb! :( One heartening thing was that, as I got off the MRT at Yishun, a very kind lady tried to console me, and even accompanied me till my friend came. She probably was worried I was going to be suicidal on New Years' Eve. There is still love in this world. Too bad I never got to see her face nor get her name, or even thank her! :( So I spent the rest of the evening at my friend's place, but left shortly before midnight as I did not wish to incur a hefty cab fare :p A memorable start to the new year huh?

Feeling like a bitch. "You can never be best friends with everyone". There are simply too many people in this world, too many people around you. I am sorry, but my heart does not have enough room for everyone! But what should one do when people try to force their way into one's life? I run away! And this has apparently hurt someone. I am confused. I feel guilty, yet I still wish to retain the freedom in my choice of friends and not succumb to peer pressure to warmly embrace everyone that comes along :( I wish I could, but that would be really tiring! Can someone offer a solution?