Mental torture :(

Sigh. For those of you who don't know, i had another argument with mum again a few weeks back, and she is still really mad at me, totally ignoring me over what started as a small matter. Not again. Sigh. I think out of 365 days in a year, she is probably
- angry + cold war for 300 days
- angry for 45 days
with me!
Now we are at the first option. :( Seriously, i hate confrontations. And i hate cold wars too. I much prefer peace. Luckily i have a terrible memory (prolly getting Alzheimer's soon). Unfortunately for me though, mum has dedicated 95% of her memory to bearing grudges and can dig up horrible things i did more than 10 years ago (which i am ashamed to admit having done, but i have!). :(( And i'll say it here. Yes i used to argue alot with my sister and say mean things, but don't we all fight with our siblings? One incident i vaguely remember was arguing with my sis over the use of the toilet, and things got so heated up and i remember giving her a tight slap on her face because i felt she was rude. These are things i'd forgotten, but jolted into memory thanks to none other than my mother. And i really regret having done that..I am not sure if my sister still remembers and bear grudges against me for these things.. But, i am certain i am not the same person i was more than 10 years ago. Having gone through an extra decade of life, experienced the ways of the world (albeit my small comfy little shelter in Singapore) and being humbled by many people around me, why does she still harp on all these things that are already over? When will it be time to move on? :(

Each time she will write a very long reprimanding letter to me. And i dread reading those hurtful, nasty letters. These letters get me down really bad i tell you :( The last letter that i can recall, it started with "It's all your fault." Tell me, who in the right mind would want to read such a letter?? I read it out of curiosity, out of the fact that i wanted to know what she thinks so that we could resolve it. But it's so hard. Nasty accusations the letters are full of. What happened to all the things i did out of love and respect for her? Taken for granted or squeezed out of her brain by the 95% of resentment i suppose... Sigh. It was supposed to be a happy day for me, having finally completed 4 days of tiring fieldwork in a row and finally taking a break tomorrow. But now the thought of the letter is just such a depressant... :(((

Regardless of what she thinks, i have no resentment for her, and i still do respect and treat her as my mother. I think i am more tired to retaliate or do anything about it anymore because it seems embedded in her mind that i am a selfish, ungrateful wretch. Nothing i do now will appease her i guess. And unfortunately, i think our relationship has deteriorated to a state where there is very little trust. Add that to the daily friction because we are still living together and have such different views on life, and life becomes quite unbearable. Wish i had the guts to just move out to live like my sister. :( Will she only cherish me then when i'm gone, just like how she always sides my brother and sister now that they are far away from her reach?

Akan datang!

Just started on our new project :)
More on it when we have done more!

I wish, i wish!

"Hey dear did you know that if we each hold one end of this wishbone, make a wish and pull, the one who gets the bigger piece will have his wish come true?" And 1, 2, 3, we pulled. There it was in my hand, the bigger piece! Yay my wish was gonna come true... then it suddenly dawned on me that he'd examined it just before and purposely gave me the stronger half that would not break as easily.. The silly pock! I still tear when i think of this :x

Spidey & beetle sampling at Ubin

Life-post FB (FYI i deactivated my FB account!): i have no where to share my photos in excitement but here! :p First trip to Ubin with the boy as his PFA (personal field assistant) was not so fruitful, but at least we got some stuff and manage to get some exercise! :p
The boy on his way to Ubin:
Pretty cicada (i thought it was a moth!):
Isn't he a cutie! Looks like he's got a face mask on ;)

What a shiny crisp red shell! I've always liked lady beetles as a kid, but always thought they all had black spots!

Can you spot the spider? ;)

Oh furry one~

Clutch of spider eggs! They're a pretty green just like their mum!
Can you guess what this is?? It's a scale bug! Apparently the bug excretes excess sugars to form those spikes. So cool huh!
And a teeny tiny spider with its really pretty stabilimentum :)

Feels like a tiny celebrity :p

Whee just found out from my friend (who's also planning her wedding) that our photo's on Tinydot Photography's album on FB (among a million others). Spot us! ;)
And here is the real pic!
http://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?pid=14583593&id=189276035180&ref=fbx_album

Also, met a JC friend who was there checking out the wedding exhibition too! And saw another gal whom i vaguely remember from my sec school too i think.. I guess it's we are all at that age! ;p

I chope you!!

A sneak peek into our wedding :) Complimentary photo we got from a wedding exhibition :)

Note to self (one of many to come i believe)

Life is never peaceful with mum. We just don't get along anymore. She's been back for less than 3 weeks and I'm thinking of staying overnight in lab tonight just to avoid her :((( We've probably had one civil lunch together, because i simply avoid beng around her for long periods. Just when I thought Diego and I should give her a nice lunch treat this weekend, she reminds me of how much I want to move out. P.R.O.N.T.O. It is beyond me how she can just sit at home the whole day watching tv or reading newspapers, especially when she wants (not so badly it seems since she is not working for it at all??) to get citizenship here. And my bro? He wants me to stay on another year or so after I graduate just to help her get her citizenship. Provided I haven't ended up in the IMH or we haven't physically killed each other, yes I can.

This is me trying to write my paper while she is blasting the tv behind meShe keeps a tv in her bedroom for decoration by the way. Her highness can only watch tv on the big screen out in the living room, even if the loud volume disturbs other people.