Life's complicated.

How I wish I were still a child. Life was so carefree; little day-to-day pleasures brightened the day, no worries about financial issues (money was always available from ATM machines), no fears of being incompetent at work and thinking that you are no better than the weeds growing in the dumpster, no frustrating over conflicts in relationships (it was either a "i hate you cuz u took my ice cream" but all well again the next day, or simply "i like you"!). A series of pictures taken by a lady (whom I do not know) captured the pure innocence in her daughter, and my heart. Partly cuz I so wish to have such innocence once again. Here is one of my favourite pictures of her that I have saved:

I hope she won't be too upset at me posting this photo! (Dear Firefly, if you ever see this post and would like this removed please let me know!) Unfortunately she seems to have removed her pictures from the website, prolly cuz of people like me :( I really miss seeing her pictures!

Yes I am emo-ing again. It's been a while since I've blogged, and it's cuz the past few weeks have been really draining. Work has not been going too smoothly, and I have been questioning again what I am doing, trying to do a PhD?? :( Am really better off in a brainless 9-5 admin job. A friend has scolded me before for thinking this way - that I am insulting the rest of the human population! Insulting those who did not make it to uni, or those who did not get a good class degree.. I understand this, but it is difficult not to doubt myself when everything is not going right, despite trying so hard! :( I guess I expect much more of myself.

Sad to say, emotional struggles continue to weigh me down in this new year... Guess where I crossed over the new year 2009? In a cab! In short, thoughts of a depressed, lonely and suicidal father in a faraway land started the floodgates and I sobbed all the way from City Hall to Yishun MRT. I'd arranged to meet a friend at Yishun cuz I was feeling down. Good thing I did, cuz that was the worst day ever, as I'd never cried till my face and body went numb! :( One heartening thing was that, as I got off the MRT at Yishun, a very kind lady tried to console me, and even accompanied me till my friend came. She probably was worried I was going to be suicidal on New Years' Eve. There is still love in this world. Too bad I never got to see her face nor get her name, or even thank her! :( So I spent the rest of the evening at my friend's place, but left shortly before midnight as I did not wish to incur a hefty cab fare :p A memorable start to the new year huh?

Feeling like a bitch. "You can never be best friends with everyone". There are simply too many people in this world, too many people around you. I am sorry, but my heart does not have enough room for everyone! But what should one do when people try to force their way into one's life? I run away! And this has apparently hurt someone. I am confused. I feel guilty, yet I still wish to retain the freedom in my choice of friends and not succumb to peer pressure to warmly embrace everyone that comes along :( I wish I could, but that would be really tiring! Can someone offer a solution?

Holiday mood!

Terrible! Hehe, been kinda like in a holiday mood after my QE. Though I have also been hard at work doing PCRs, I really have slowed down. So many distractions-many bouts of cookie baking, parties, and now making tangyuan! Haha I am also really itching to play some stupid computer game when I really should be doing work :p

I'm so proud of my cute tangyuans that my mum, sis-in-law & I made today :)
Before:
After:

Redemption

"Prof Meier cares about his students... " I blurted out to Pete, my supervisor, and I made the mistake of stopping right there. Ever since then, Pete's finally realized is 'mistake' and been trying very hard to make up for it! Haha, I think he's been so hung up about the fact that his student is "in love" with another Prof; he is jealous (?) and been trying hard to up his popularity stakes. It's pretty scary actually, with ur boss constantly asking after you, trying to ask you out to lunch, treat you to lunch, chat with you - OMG he actually relented and showed me his dreadlock pictures (yes he was a wild youngster, and you really won't believe it was him in the pictures). Especially when at the back of my mind I am thinking "Hmmm, what's he up to.. There must be an agenda behind all this niceness.." This is bad! It's really not a healthy relationship is it, to have so much distrust between each other. Ha, I can just imagine this (ok it's not very well-drawn, but imagine holding daggers behind your back as you smile to each other):
I really hope he has realized that he should care (sincerely) for his students' welfare, and not just so that he gains the adoration of his students. And yea, I also do wish to be able to resolve this asap, cuz it's quite sad to be like this, don't you think? Will I be able to let my heart get past this?

On the Path to Permanent Head Damage

After weeks of panic and frantic preparation, I've finally officially cleared the qualifying examinations that allow me to proceed on the path of permanent head damage. Looking back, I can't believe the frustration I went through the 2 weeks just before the doomed presentation. It's just another public presentation, wasn't it? And to be honest, I think I was prolly more upset with myself and perhaps my boss more than I was worried about the presentation itself. Somewhere inside, I think it's got to do with the many many presentations I have had to give thus far. Guiding at Kusu, teaching the undergraduates, international conferences even, and as much as I hate to admit, I think the frequent presentations for this module I took this semester kinda made me numb to presenting - I have learnt to be thick-skinned!! ="=

Here are some photos that one of my colleagues took of me during the presentation:

That was me desperately trying to undo the format changes that the seminar room's computer had done to my ppt slides (Check out the ppt slide! I designed it myself, cuz I had no idea what picture to put)

Prof Tan, the Chair of my seminar, and also one of the examiners, introducing me to the audience

Me "ready" to field questions from the floor

The presentation went OK, though I got a question on Googgle Earth which I made no sense of, and one question from Richard Corlett that I wished I'd answered much better. It was a question I'd asked myself before over and over again, but I still did not have an answer to it. Then came the grilling session with my examiners, where everyone else was chased out. I got a mild shock, as I did not expect even my supervisors had to go! But thankfully, the examiners were really nice to me *muacks*. As Siva said, they were more trying to help than ruin me. And I really appreciated their concerns about the many risks of my project, my workload - all of which debunked the expectations my own supervisor imposed on me! Gosh you don't know how relieved I was to finally get this kinda affirmation. For my morale has been so badly battered by my supervisor's high expectations and demands. Thank you, Sirs. :)

During the past 2 dark weeks, I also experienced so much love and support from some wonderful people. Words alone can't express my gratitude to them. Karenne, for the immense support and tonnes of advice, lending me a listening ear when I needed to pour my heart out. Thank you so much, you have been so sweet =) Pamela, who was my nanny and forced me to write my proposal, something which I'd otherwise have too much inertia to really get down to doing. And to my "new friends" from the Evo Lab, who have been just the sweetest, supportive (& wacky) bunch of labmates. I love you guys already. This Christmas, I am going to be more broke, but more wealthy in other ways =)

Good things to share!

The past few weeks since I've been back from Australia have been pretty much hellish, as I have been trying to clear the mountains of work on an oxygen-and-sleep-deprived, malfunctioning brain. Was just made worse 3 days ago by my boss, who gave me this i-can't-be-bothered-with-you-anymore attitude when i went to seek him for advice on my project, that i broke down again :( It's funny how it's as if a kid were trying to seek approval and care from his daddy! (Sidetrack: He'd make a great daddy though).

Anyway, at least he brought me this great piece of news that brought some cheer to me: that my good friend has made it to one of the top tier scientific journals, Science!!
http://nusbiodiversity.wordpress.com/2008/11/15/danweis-letter-to-science/
(he is so gonna kill me for notifying the blog moderator to this piece of news..)

Gee I feel really honoured to be his friend. A zillion scientists around the world would be SO happy to get an article in Science, even if it's just a letter to Science! But guess what was the Spoiler's reply when i congratulated him on it??
'Hah? Just write lor. This kind of thing is luck one what. It's not a piece I'm very proud of, but they liked it, so good lor.' -_-"

What's wrong with me?

Maybe it's stress, maybe it's the hormones.. I'm not sure why, but i kept feeling like crying today :( Perhaps it's just the emo songs that I have been listening to the whole day too.. But one thing i know is that i am stressed. There is so much work to do, my QE is coming up in 20 days yet i have not started preparing for it. I'm upset with myself that i can't seem to focus and am taking ages just to write a 1000 word essay. Been hiding the last 2 days, so that i can focus on completing some assignments but still can't finish. How did i manage undergrad studies?? I'm sure i had way more things to do.. At this moment i really just wish someone was here to let me grab on to and cry.. :(

Back in Singapore~

Hehe, sorry for the lack of updates.. though I have been back home for a week already! As you might have suspected, I was prolly enjoying myself too much in Australia after they started to like me that I got too comfy there to blog :p And in the past week back home, it was busy catching up with friends and work! Still have tonnes of work, but hehe, am taking a break from writing my essay (I've a very short attention span), so here I am...

Reflecting on the trip, it was a really awesome trip! Not only did I learn heaps, I also made a couple of new friends =) It's always great to meet new people and expose myself to new cultures. This trip was especially cool, 'cuz there were people from all over the world, but all brought together by their love for corals *aaww* :) Meeting people of such diverse backgrounds and life experiences has just increased my wanderlust by several folds :p I am now more determined to go on a long trip to experience life, should I manage to survive my PhD. What made it more valuable was the acceptance by the people who were initially resistant towards me.. And this is how it turned out! Just as eye-opening was the fact that the bigwigs in the field, such as Bette Willis & Andrew Baird (my 偶像s) actually went down to get involved in the field work themselves! Hehe I know, I'm such a nerd right, to get excited watching Bette Willis kneeling on the pontoon to get the corals from the divers. But it was really quite inspiring, 'cuz she's prolly been at this before I was born, yet she still has so much passion and drive! I can't imagine most other Profs in NUS actually up at 3+ am in the morning with her students, doing field work :D Hehe and i asked to take a picture with her at that ungodly hour, and she obliged!

Back in Singapore, some little surprises were left on my table.. Some of the hons kids had been leaving little notes and drawings on my table in my absence! Hehe it really warmed my heart to know that they were thinking of me in my absence ;) On Friday night, our lab had a simple Halloween party - bit of deco in the lab pantry, with tonnes of food! I am really impressed with the labbies, for being such good cooks! Really puts me to shame :p I need to learn how to cook too... I'm sure I can, hehe, just don't have the motivation to try. Perhaps someday someone will give me the motivation to cook ;p Anyway, back to the party, it was a really funny Halloween party cuz nobody was dressed for the occasion, and they were playing Indian music! Hehe, this must've been the tamest Halloween party, and really true to the Singaporean spirit cuz food dominated the party! :p What I prepared must've been the most Halloween-themed food. Check out my Eyeballs in Purple Blood: And my pumpkins!! Hehe, not bad for a first-timer eh? ;) PS: Can you spot the 'fake'??
Finally, here's a 'family portrait' of the huge marine lab family :) Though this is prolly only like half of the big family! Thanks to Pammie for organizing this great party =)